DRUNK MAGIK

I’ve always been under the impression that drunk people were pretty stupid. Impaired judgment, poor memory..etc - that generally infers that any drunk person is not going to be too sharp.

Unfortunately, last night I was proven wrong. What turned out to be a few quiet drinks at Mein Haus am See turned into a debacle involving one obscenely drunk yet terribly sneaky young man. 

It all started with -

“Do you have a cigarette for me?? Give me a cigarette and I’ll tell you a joke!”

*PAUSE*

 Now, normally in Australia, I would say no. Primarily because I - 

A) don’t smoke

and

B) even if I did smoke, cigarettes are f*&$ing expensive. drop and give me 20, then we will negotiate. 

So after considering this, I decided that one cigarette from a 5 euro pack would have little effect upon my life, or financial situation. If anything, it was an act of kindness, and perhaps the universe would later repay me with some karma….I would also get to hear a joke. 

*RESUME*

‘Err…ja. Magst du Nelken Zigaretten?’

Stupid question. Of course Drunk Guy was too drunk to taste the difference between clove and normal cigarettes.The deal was done, and now he was required to tell a joke. Considering what I know about German Humour and Germany in general I didn’t expect it to be very funny…..or be about Hitler.

“Okay Okay, I tell you zis joke. There is a Konzentrationslager, ja? Okay, so Hitler goes to the Konzentrationslager, and he sees a little boy. He asks ze boy “How old are you?” and ze little boy says “I am turning 8 tomorrow”..then Hitler says “No you’re not!…HAHA HA HA”

So we all just stood there kind of mortified. If we had learned anything about Germany, it was don’t make jokes about the Holocaust. Drunk Guy was 100% German, hailing from München. I’m not sure if it made it alright to tell the ‘joke’ anyway. 

Although it was incredibly distasteful, and somewhat offensive, that wasn’t our main problem. What we really were to worry about, was what was coming next. A terribly boring story about spaghetti. As it turns out, cloves and cinammon brought up really fond memories for Drunk Guy. So fond that he proceeded to spend the next ten minutes insulting our dear Italian Friend, by trying to tell her how to cook pasta. 

Anyway, by engaging in conversation, we had created a Monster. This guy just. loved. to. talk. At first it was entertaining, but suddenly I found him interrogating me -

“Who iz your Favourite German Philosopher?”

Uhh…I don’t know…

“Okay, fine, who iz your Favourite political Philosopher?..”

Errr..

My lack of knowledge in politics was beginning to show. I had been at University for a total of three years…and as far as I could remember, I didn’t spend semesters upon end studying great political thinkers…I realised then that I shouldn’t of told him I studied political science. 

“Okay. New Question. Here give me your wine…I am going to drink some wine, and then we will buy beer and you are going to tell me your Grund Lebenseinstellung’.

Grund…Lebens…Einstellung

I didn’t know what I was, but it sounded terrible. And out of the corner of my eye, I saw Drunk Guy sculling my wine. All of my wine. I was incredibly dumbfounded and didn’t know what to do, so I just kind of made a noise that inferred uncertainty. 

“Okay, now I am more drunk, lets go to the Bar and buy a beer and talk about your Grund Lebenseinstellung”

I tried to be firm and say no. So then he told me to go to the bar and buy a beer for him. I was confused. Was some Drunk Guy drinking my wine, smoking my cigarettes, then asking me to go and buy him more beer…I wasn’t sure. This guy could’ve been a magician for all I know.

With the help of some friends, We/I finally managed to say no…to which he said

“WELL YOU BITCHES ARE BORING….give me one more cigarette and then I’ll leave”

I decided that I would not effectively reward Drunk Guy with a cigarette in exchange for his exile, and instead signalled to his friends that maybe they should retrieve him. 

Ah, the people you meet.